Selfcaused loneliness
by Ovrex
Summary: This is a story - created by me - that is based off Makoto Shinkai's "Voices of a distant star"  It follows the story of a boy called George...An exceedingly intelligent boy who is in the unforgiving grip of love with a girl called Emma, equally as smart.


This is my own version of "Voices of a distant star" / "Hoshi no koe" by Makoto Shinkai. There is no copyright intended.

**Chapter 1**

_An eternity of waiting_

_Amalgamation of thoughts._

_Thousand of wasted tears._

_Living without you._

_Is one of my only fears._

_This is a thought-following story, deal with it._

(I should add something...This is a story of a boy deeply in love, however, it is sort of separated into two stories, sometimes, when the text is in italics. They are the thoughts of the George who is in the future, who is sort of "telling" the story, however, some of the thoughts are by the George in the past, who knows nothing of what will happen in the future, I have tried to separate this confusion by line breaking every time a new person is "thinking", but, if there are any issues...Or you are confused by something, feel free to contact me and I will explain it, and then I shall edit it.)

Edit : Even though each chapter is too short to actually be a chapter, I'm going to call them chapters, I have no other name for them.

Remember...Being young?

Being in primary school, no intellectual challenges...Just seven years to make plenty of friends and prepare for secondary school.

Falling out over the petty things that have been rendered worthless due to the cold decay of age.

...But there's always one...

There's always one person that is your determination to arrive at school on time, well-groomed, presentable, capable of coherent conversation with that one person...

To me...She is the reason I am successful.

To me...She is the reason I am a failure.

I would show up at school – on time – well groomed – presentable – everything polished to absolutely perfection, whilst being capable of conversation. I would complete the menial tasks handed out by our exceedingly mundane teacher...I would leave my seat and walk over to my reward...Yet, I felt being able to look at her rewarding enough.

Her perfect sapphire blue eyes compliment her beautiful locks of blonde hair. Adding the young but tall masterpiece that she is, wearing a pretty style of dress which flails in the wind alongside this potential Angel. Yet there was no doubt in my mind that she was already an Angel, I convinced myself her halo was ashamed to shine to dimly compared to this girl, so it hid away from the human eye, leaving us with a reward so sweet you almost pinch yourself.

We would hold such wonderful conversations...Talking uninterrupted for hours; two advanced honour students – who have completed all their work, the teacher couldn't complain...

We would palaver equally as long...Going on and on about our interests at the time.

We would talk about what high school we would go to...We would talk about the Government...We would talk about general ideas for the future.

...It's all confabulation...Lies made from fantasies that have been driven so deep into my mind I can feel them...I know the conversations are faked but the emotions are not.

I will not say I was in love at that point...The very idea of the illusion of love at that tender age is as amusing as it is sad.

We both left that primary school at the top of all our classes...We went to the same high school...The same honour-roll classes, yet they were still the same menial, mundane tasks that offer no intellectual challenge.

I will not bore you with the confabulation that is yet to leave my mind...We did not talk at all for 4 years. We sat so close to one another yet shared no words...

We were so alike...Yet shared nothing.

We were so alike...But by comparing myself to her...I was nothing, to even imagine a friend-ship with this girl...To even allude myself into believing it could come true...Drove me into a pit of depression that was as deep as the hole inside my heart, probably deeper.

People say that when you reach perfection...You stop changing...This did not seem to be the case.

Her perfect...Sapphire blue eyes became greater. They shone brighter than a thousand stars and the moon combined.

Her perfect...Ever-changing hair-colour became an artistically beautiful addition to the masterpiece.

Perfection was not achieved by her...She exceeded perfection.

Perfection does not exist...Emma, on the other hand...Does.

In the final year of secondary school...Torrential downpour brought the country to a grinding halt.

Barely anyone went to school that day...

Except me and Emma...

I walked into our large, intimidating classroom...We would've been listening to lectures regarding Physics, if the weather had been normal.

Water is dripping to the floor, me as the catalyst. I cringe as I look at the furthest away seat and see someone is sitting in my spot.

The seat that I have sat in for almost 5 years is occupied by someone other than myself.

...If the person was close enough to be recognised...I would never of started the conversation that changed my life...I seemed to imagine that Emma wouldn't come into school...I pleaded with a deity 'spare her from the rain's wrath' ...I thought this lonely figure in my seat was someone I'd never seen before

"Weather is horrible...Don't you agree?" I asked, visually exhausted

"Yeah, it is" The currently unknown girl says peacefully...With honest innocence behind each syllable.

"How're you?" I ask politely...

We're going to be here for a long time, may as well seem polite.

"I am great, thank you very much... How're you?" She responds, audibly shy

"Me?..I'm good, thanks" I respond swiftly "...Don't be shy...I'm not as scary as I seem, seriously"

They were the very words I was about to eat raw...Yet I remained callously cool...For about 10 seconds

"I don't think we've ever introduced ourselves...Mind me asking your name?" I say while sitting down beside her...About to clean my glasses, which have been rendered temporarily useless thanks to the rain and sudden heat in this classroom...

"I-I'm Emma...Who're you?"

Words defeat me...Not a single word in the English language...Hell, not a single word from any language was going to risk escaping from the mouth that, just a few seconds ago was flying, releasing word after word, I beg myself to talk...Respond...Tell her your name...This could be your very first conversation with her, a different prayer clouds my mind...

"Give me the strength to converse...I shall do the rest...I will exchange...Anything"

An eerie wind passes me by as soon as I think those words...

If I was superstitious, I'd say that's when it all went wrong.

"My names George" I responded whilst laughing slightly

Sadly...This is where my memory is truly blank...No confabulation...No made-up memories...A black hole in my memory taking away the one thing I hold most dear, whilst simultaneously hating it. No matter how much I plead with my self...I cannot make something up and place it in my mind simply to appease myself. I plea to simply forget every memory that includes Emma.

But to do so...Would wipe my mind clean...I have no other memories, floating in the bottomless pit of my mind rests only amalgamations of thoughts and feelings and memories regarding the Satanic Angel.

Is that really what I want, is remembering Emma in all her beauty truely a curse?

Or is it a treasure chest that I am yet to unlock?

A series of events so cruel that the reward seems pointless?

I do not know the conversation that occurred after I told her my name...If you gave me a thousand guesses I'd need a million more, and even then...I'd get them all wrong...One thing I do remember, is -...I got her phone number.

At that time. If I were alone...Tears of extreme happiness and joy would be streaming down my face, emotions would be pouring out of every possible area in my body...And to be honest...I don't think I remained calm after she gave me her number...I'm sure I jumped for joy a little, smiling ear-to-ear.

Whilst she remained visually calm.

Does she share the same motives as me...Does she know that I've been staring at her, hopelessly infatuated. Ensnared by her eyes that seem to have been provided by Aquarius herself

...Or is she a fool, has she willingly gave me her phone number, knowing my true feelings for her?

...Perhaps, pity, has she decided to spare me the embarrassment of rejection?

If I knew her true intentions at that time...I know, that in my mind and heart I would feel severe hatred, not hatred for her; Hatred of her reason for giving me her phone number.

After high school, she was moving far, far away from her current home...It was an academic reward...sporting a 4.0 GPA...She truly deserved the academic reward, even though we got the same results on every single test...There is not a doubt in my mind that she deserved it over me...I've done nothing to deserve a reward...But there was something that was bugging me

did not know where she was going...

That was the last day of school...There was no party due to the horrid weather...But I had the time of my life. It was the single greatest moment in my life,

...I lived a rather dull life, you see

In my mind, I was seriously conflicted, I did not want to annoy her by texting her...Despite this...Every second I knew I had her number saved in my phone, physically hurt.

Suddenly, the phone I held in my hand started to beep and vibrate...Informing me that I received a text message.

As if by some act of God...I got a message from Emma.

**Chapter 2**

_Am I truly alive?_

_Entwining our souls._

_Looking into my eyes._

_I'm left to wonder-_

_Do human hearts ever die?_

_If half a penny were received._

_Every time she crossed my mind._

_A million tear-filled pounds,_

_Is what I'd be fined_

_Two years had passed since that day...The day _Emma_ texted me..._

_ My hopeless infatuation was changed to one of deep, unchangeable love._

_ Every plan I had ever concluded about life was changed..._

_But I wasn't complaining..._Emma_ made everything else in the world obsolete...If it was not an involuntary human function...I would've refused oxygen to be granted just one kiss...But yet again...Oxygen was not a large enough sacrifice...Nothing in the world even came close to the mile-high standards that she deserves. _

_ I began to ask myself : Will _Emma_ ever find someone who is truly worthy of her, who can match her physical and mental beauty, make her blush, compliment her every day until their death?...No...No human in the world can maintain love for that long...Love is a false emotion...Love, although it suggests wonderful things such as marriage...Children, eternal happiness...Is a curse,_

_It is a disease that eats away at even the strongest human being...As soon as it grabs hold of the heart it desires : It destroys you...It ruins you...The very thought of moving on grips your heart so tight it's almost impossible to breathe...Believing that the only way to survive is to receive the kiss of life...To become her inamorato (Google it...)  
was one of my deepest day dreams...One of the most impossible dreams I've ever held in my brain, I've dreamt of flying without wings, dreamt of being made of liquid gold, dreamt of ruling earth...Yet dreaming of marrying _Emma_ was deemed impossible._

_ However...In they dreams with _Emma_...It was the only time I truly felt alive._

_Seeing her beautiful, moon-kissed frontispiece in a dream made me respect life._

_ On the other side of the coin...For every second I was awake...Made me detest every aspect of life...Waking up, showering, eating breakfast, leaving the house with a façade of some self-respect and morality. Performing the tasks you're told you do at your job, or at school...Coming home, eating dinner and then finally...The beautiful wonderland where dreams await me...The only place in the world that only exists to me...It exists solely to provide me with future fantasies of _Emma_._

_But alas...They were not crude, nor vulgar...I had simple...Petty desires, compared to what others considered the norm._

_I desired innocence...I deemed a kiss too great a reward from this alluring creation, something that not even God himself could recreate if he was given infinite time and infinite wisdom._

_Whilst others my age demanded sex...An imaginary kiss with her would fill my rain-filled world with sunlight..._

_Asking her to marry me is where my dream ends...As soon as I pop the question...I am awoken by my own heartbeat...Pathetic..._

_ Even by my own imagination...I am limited...Limited to the cold, heartless truth of living eternally alone, I am stricken by dynsania _

_ I mean...Who will argue the relentless truth that, everything I love disappears. _

_After my first conversation with _Emma_...She is accepted into the most prestigious space school the human race has ever founded..._

_ Aisenmarap, A school that has broken the laws of the universe...The laws of Physics...Defied god and lived to tell the tale. Students who are deemed worthy by this "excellence-only" school are scare...It is said they only enrol four students every 5 years. They do, however...Allow people to live in the nation where Aisenmarap is located...It is a lovely place, the atmosphere is welcoming, and beautiful. Much like _Emma_ herself...The aroma of freshly cooked food lingers in the air, mixing elegantly with the chatter of people in town. _

_It's very easy to travel to...Simply apply at your local Governmental base. If your reason for migrating there is acceptable, you will be moved to the nearest space station, capable of holding the largest space ship in existence. Called the "Tracer LX-3000"_

_They have to be produced in bulk...They can teleport large distances in seconds...They can travel around the earth in 6 seconds._

_Think about that for a second...6 seconds, it takes blood cells 60 seconds to travel around your body once...It takes 1 minute for 1 million red blood cells to be produced.  
To be able to travel earth in 6 seconds was once a scientists dream..._

_But thanks to me...It became a reality._

_ I am known as _George_...The greatest scientist who ever lived...I had surpassed every teacher throughout my life...I had shown an academic excellence that has never been recorded before me._

_I was given the right to leave primary school at the age of 9. I did not accept._

_I was given the right to leave high school at the age of 13. I did not accept._

_Offered so many academic rewards...I did not accept._

_All because of _Emma_..._

_The idea of separating myself from _Emma_ is a thought that strikes a vivid fear in my heart...Even though I had never spoken to her...There was a lingering fear that It would be the last time I seen her, her majestic visage is the one reason I never accepted offers that mankind himself would sacrifice so much for._

_When in fact...I sacrificed an easy life...To earn the right to look at her, never mind talk to her. Never mind a friendship..._

_At the age of 15...Halfway through high school. I finally accepted one offer._

_It wasn't the most prestigious offer handed to me, nor was it the hardest. It was, however. The only academic reward that did not interfere with school. Perfect._

_ The first day...I was told what was expected of me..._

"This department is currently holding a £5 billion pay check, for one operation, named 'Planet Sirus'...George, being an exceedingly intelligent individual, I'm sure you're familiar with the laws of doppelgänger planets...Sirus...Is Earth's doppelgänger. It is our duty as intellectuals to use this doppelgänger to our advantage, not only can we use it to handle with the increasing population...It can also decrease our reliance on Earth for natural resources...

Sirus has a sun...Like Earth...However, there is one different Sirus and Earth have, much like many other doppelgänger.

Sirus has three moons, not a deep, mind boggling problem...But aesthetically speaking, people might be a bit creeped out by three moons.

Nonetheless, we will cross that bridge when we come to it...George...The acceptance of this job requires that you build..."

_ I had to design and build a mobile space station, capable of running off the reflected light from the moon, capable of running off the light and minuscule heat off even the coldest stars, and alas...Capable of running off the light given from the sun, the distance from the two suns would make it impossible for it to totally light dependant. There will be 5 hours where there is no source of light strong enough to power the station...You see, _

_(It is unfinished, be sure to check back for the finished version, this is just a teaser, to see it's current response)  
_


End file.
